In a Perfect World

In case you didn’t notice, the world is not a perfect place. There’s war, pollution, hunger, and of course Paris Hilton.

One night after being flagrantly overserved by a bartender, I scribbled on cocktail napkins a list of things that I would change about the world. You know, if I were a deity.

The unabridged list is, unfortunately, swirling above a local landfill, but here are some napkins that survived the beer spills.

Ahem.

In a perfect world…

• pug dogs would have a reasonable amount of skin on their face.
• boot would rhyme with foot.
• we’d get paid for the time we spend preparing for, commuting to, talking about, and unwinding from work.
• radio stations would keep their contest money and play some bloody music.
• a man could fix all of his relationship issues with WD-40 or duct tape.
• answering machines would come with a get-to-the-point button.
• breeding laws would limit couples to one child per 75 IQ points.
• athletes would retire only once.
• cat burglars would break in and steal your cat.
• traffic lights would change when we honk at them.
• O.J. Simpson would marry Lorena Bobbitt. I’m assuming they’re both single.
• priests who hear confessions would get paid the same as shrinks.
• our TV’s brightness control would turn up the intelligence.
• if an officer has to tackle the suspect to make an arrest, the officer would be entitled to three free punches.
• when people graduate high school, they’d also graduate high school mentality.
• the game of “peekaboo” would have an official end.
• decaf coffee would come in a different color.
• political speeches would be delivered by the people who write them.
• there wouldn’t be so many needless, unneeded, unnecessary words.
• freeways would grow at the same rate as the population.
• somebody would confiscate Dennis Miller’s thesaurus.
• when the computer gets hung up, we could just shake it like a pinball machine.
• all movies would be formatted to fit your screen without apology or explanation.

when a woman gets a perm, that’s it—no changing.